continuing
Yesterday I inadvertently came across two different stories of long-time married couples dying within days of each other. One on today.com (via Facebook) and the other in a book I'm reading about spiritual gifts.
These stories aren't uncommon. Nor is the way they are portrayed: with admiration for a love so deep that two people literally could not live without each other.
Perhaps I'm being cynical. Or have just never had that kind of marital love. But isn't it possible that they died because they were old (both 94)? Or maybe their purpose in life had been to care for one another. And with the passing of one so passes the purpose of the other?
Not that I'm trying to downplay their love for each other. Not in the slightest.
But doesn't that kind of love make you want more for the other person? More life. More adventures. More opportunities. More love.
My grandparents were married for over 45 years when my grandpa died suddenly and unexpectedly. I know he would be happy and proud of the way my grandma has lived her life in the years since -- her travels to Spain, her independence, her love for books and art and friends. He would never want to take away from her the opportunity to see her grandkids graduate and fall in love and have children of their own. And the fact that she has continued without him in no way diminishes their love for one another. In fact, the opposite seems to be true -- their love continues to give her strength.
So, future suitors. The way to win my heart is not to wax poetic about dying while holding hands at the age of 94. The way to win my heart is to say, "If I live to be 94, I hope you live to be 97. So you can continue doing all the things you dream of doing. And you can tell me all about it in heaven."
EMBRACE CONTINUING.
(Remember, Romeo & Juliet was a tragedy. Not a romance.)
These stories aren't uncommon. Nor is the way they are portrayed: with admiration for a love so deep that two people literally could not live without each other.
Perhaps I'm being cynical. Or have just never had that kind of marital love. But isn't it possible that they died because they were old (both 94)? Or maybe their purpose in life had been to care for one another. And with the passing of one so passes the purpose of the other?
Not that I'm trying to downplay their love for each other. Not in the slightest.
But doesn't that kind of love make you want more for the other person? More life. More adventures. More opportunities. More love.
My grandparents were married for over 45 years when my grandpa died suddenly and unexpectedly. I know he would be happy and proud of the way my grandma has lived her life in the years since -- her travels to Spain, her independence, her love for books and art and friends. He would never want to take away from her the opportunity to see her grandkids graduate and fall in love and have children of their own. And the fact that she has continued without him in no way diminishes their love for one another. In fact, the opposite seems to be true -- their love continues to give her strength.
So, future suitors. The way to win my heart is not to wax poetic about dying while holding hands at the age of 94. The way to win my heart is to say, "If I live to be 94, I hope you live to be 97. So you can continue doing all the things you dream of doing. And you can tell me all about it in heaven."
EMBRACE CONTINUING.
(Remember, Romeo & Juliet was a tragedy. Not a romance.)
I think what you are struck by are two cognitive failures that infect our society and culture. First, is the human condition in confirmation bias, we hear stories about people dying close to each other and because we can't have a full picture of how many people don't die like that we have no sense of how we are just seeing random coincidental death and then attributing meaning to it.
ReplyDeleteIt is that attribution of meaning that leads to the second cognitive failure we suffer from, which is the obsession and dare I say worship of romantic love. We have romanticized romantic love to the point where there is stigma for those who don't have it (old maids) and anxiety when we don't have it (Cosmo declaring your relationship is NEVER quite good enough).
The reality is that love has many forms and types and is a many splendored thing. We can find it in so many parts of our lives and lacking one specific (and generally unrealistic) type is not a sign of failure.
My marriage isn't a story-book romance (nobodies is), but that doesn't mean it isn't wonderful, and powerful, and important.
In the end, I strongly doubt any martial love is lessened by the manner and timing of its parting.
Thanks for these insights! They help make sense of my frustration.
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