wrestling

I delivered a really great gratitude sermon on Sunday. It was full of energy and enthusiasm, challenge and grace, laughter and a few tears. It included the kids as well as the adults, Scripture and loads of personal stories.

And yet...

Confession time...

I, personally, don't believe women should be pastors.

Let me say first of all that this is not the fault of the church or the way I was raised. I have never sat through a sermon (nor would I deliver one) that said as a woman I should sit there and be quiet (which isn't what I am proposing, by the way). My dad never told me this, nor did my grandfather. We even had a female pastor when I was a kid and everyone loved her, including (maybe especially) me.

It is simply a personal conviction I have, based on my own reading of Scripture and time with the Lord in prayer and waiting. I believe men are to be the spiritual head of our churches and households, to guide and protect and nurture the flock. (And find it eternally frustrating that so many men won't or don't know how to claim this role, and so many women won't let them.)

And yet...

I feel very clearly led to share--and at present from the pulpit on Sunday mornings--where and how God is working in my life.

And so I am perpetually wrestling with my conviction and how I live out my calling. Uncomfortable in this thing I am propelled to do every single week. Uncomfortable in this belief I have that isn't supported by the people around me. Wondering if I'm off base in my conviction or how I'm living out this calling. Questioning whether it is possible to preach (deliver a sermon) without being a pastor (lead a congregation) and therefore stay true to both conviction and calling...

But regardless of my discomfort I have to keep saying "yes" to God. To keep wrestling like Jacob, refusing to give in or give up. To be open to changing one or the other or neither or both. Because a life that is easy and comfortable, without trials or troubles, is not the best life I could live.

And I want the best.

EMBRACE WRESTLING.

I'm learning that God is perfectly okay with uncomfortable. It's ME who wants it to "feel" good.